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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I head home, and I’m still buzzing from the day. I plop down on my couch, and I can’t help but think about how wild life is. One minute you’re late for the train, the next you’re dodging kites and sipping coffee.

Kenley Jansen's daring pursuit for the Hall of Fame, a lofty 500-save goal echoing Rivera and Hoffman's legendary feats begins with Angels